There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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