i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
