Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
