it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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