All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
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in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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