Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
