Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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