Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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