There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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