A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
