So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
porn star boner night. come get it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
