My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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