omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
