I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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