I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
