Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We got so high we made milksteak
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
