There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
