your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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