i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
