got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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