mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
