I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
