i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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