new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
