Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
