he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
