I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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