Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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