so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
