she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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