also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
