You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
