I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
