We talked him into tasing himself.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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