His pubic hair was longer than his dick
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
