Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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