your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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