You made me cry and you don't even care
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
