I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
