She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
