You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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