census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
