I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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