babies were throwing up all over the place
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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