i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
