are you still at the devil's house?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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