just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
there's paper in my vomit.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
