Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
