i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
