OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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