I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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