4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
