that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
