Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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