my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
