My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
