I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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